How to Give Feedback Without Causing Humiliation

How to Give Feedback Without Causing Humiliation

What is the number one fear people report?
Public speaking.

When I wrote my book, Knockout Presentations, I conducted an informal poll asking people why they feared speaking in public. The answers varied:

• “All eyes are on me.”

• “I hate being in the spotlight.”

• “I might lose my train of thought.”

• “I could freeze or trip on stage.”

But when I looked deeper, a common thread emerged.

The real fear behind public speaking is humiliation.
People don’t want to look foolish or feel judged.

This same fear appears in another workplace situation: performance reviews and presentation feedback.

A study reported in Harvard Business Review by researchers Bin Zhao, Rebecca L. Dunkailo, Judith Clair, and Ryan L. Boyd analyzed more than 400 responses about workplace humiliation. The results were striking:

• 81% of people reported feeling humiliated at work at some point in their careers.

• 78% remembered the incident years later.

The emotional impact lingered long after the event—and for some people, it caused them to shut down.

Now imagine giving a presentation and then receiving feedback. If handled poorly, feedback can reinforce that fear of humiliation.

The goal of feedback should always be growth, not embarrassment.

Here are practical steps to give feedback that improves performance while preserving dignity.

1. Prepare Yourself and the Speaker

Effective feedback begins with preparation.

First, prepare yourself.
Calm your mind and ground your body. Never give feedback when you are rushed, irritated, or emotional. If necessary, schedule the conversation for a later time.

Next, prepare the speaker.
Explain how the feedback process will work. If they requested feedback, ask what they hope to gain from it and how they prefer to receive it.

Some people want feedback on one specific aspect of their presentation. Others want a broader evaluation.

When people understand the process and your intention to help, they are more open to learning.

2. Ask the Speaker to Self-Evaluate First

Before offering your observations, ask the speaker:

“How do you think it went?”

Self-evaluation serves two purposes:

• It reveals their level of self-awareness

• It helps you tailor feedback to what matters most to them

Often speakers already recognize what worked and what didn’t.

Starting here creates a collaborative conversation rather than a one-sided critique.

3. Listen Before You Evaluate

It’s common for people to jump straight into giving advice.

Instead, listen holistically.

Pay attention to:

• Body language

• Tone of voice

• Word choice

• Confidence level

Do their words match their nonverbal communication?

Listening first demonstrates respect and helps you give more thoughtful feedback.

4. Start With Strengths

Begin with what worked well.

Ask the speaker:
What are the “keepers”?

When speakers know what they did well, they can repeat and build on those behaviors.

Many people focus only on what went wrong and fail to recognize their strengths. Highlighting those strengths builds confidence and makes the speaker more receptive to improvement suggestions.

5. Focus on “Next-Level” Improvement

Language matters when giving feedback.

Avoid labeling something as a weakness.

Instead, frame improvement as the next level of growth.

Everyone has a next level.

The goal is to identify:

• Where the speaker struggled

• What skills will close that gap

How this stage is handled determines whether the person feels humiliated—or empowered.

I learned this lesson early in my career.

When I was a graduate student studying speech pathology, I worked in a speech clinic with my first client—a 54-year-old man who stuttered. My supervisor observed through a one-way mirror.

Naturally, I was nervous.

When she asked how I felt about the session, I admitted my anxiety.

Her response?

“It showed.”

Ouch.

She could have said, “Everyone feels nervous the first time,” and then coached me on how to manage it.

Decades later, I still remember that moment.

Words matter.

6. Invite Their Response

After giving feedback, ask:

“What do you think?”

This keeps the conversation open and collaborative.

It allows the speaker to clarify misunderstandings, share their perspective, and process what they heard.

Feedback becomes a partnership rather than a verdict.

The Bottom Line

Most people want feedback. Done well, it becomes one of the most powerful tools for professional growth.

Done poorly, it can create humiliation that people remember for years.

When feedback is delivered with respect, clarity, and partnership, it transforms presentations—and confidence.

And that’s how people learn to deliver knockout presentations.

 Connect with me on LinkedIn

Trends in Leadership Communication

In an era of high volatility, how do leaders prepare for the future? What are the  emerging trends that shape how leaders connect with their teams and stakeholders?  What kind of communication is needed to enable leaders to excel?

Here are a few key thoughts.

1. Transparency is a Given. In an era of information overload, leaders who communicate openly and honestly build trust. People relate to humanity, not perfection.

Leaders who show vulnerability by revealing their challenges as well as their successes will model this trait for others; thus creating a culture of authenticity.

2. Storytelling is a Superpower. Reliance on data and numbers will leave employees uninspired. According to Daniel Kahneman, Nobel prize winning economist and author of Think Fast and Slow, states “No one ever made a decision because of a number.. They need a story.” The power of story cannot be underestimated. Stories convert complexity to simplicity, they make the message memorable and captivate the listeners. One of the best ways for leaders to share a vision and inspire employees is through story. Leaders can affect culture change through storytelling.

3. Leveraging Technology. Technology allows leaders to communicate faster, more frequently, and with wider reach. Whether it’s virtual townhalls, or social media, in a fast-paced digital world leaders can use technology to create inclusive environments and smoother operations.

4. Mastering Active Listening. The days of the :talking head” are gone. Stakeholders want to hear from the leader but they also want their voices to be heard. Leaders who practice and value active listening not only gain important insights but improve the performance of the company as well as creating an inclusive environment of belonging.

5. Flexible Messaging. Leaders must be able to turn on a dime. That requires the ability to pivot when necessary to adapt to a changing environment. They will need media training not only for themselves but for their teams. They’ll be required to respond to events with clarity, empathy, and alacrity.

Leaders who thrive in the future will value connection, authenticity, and adaptability in their communication.

What trends do you see that are influencing leadership communication? Share your thoughts in the comments.

To learn how to Speak Confidently and Effectively check out my LinkedIn learning course. It ranked in the Top 20 Most Popular courses for 2 years.

To learn techniques to overcome fear of speaking, read Chapter 3 of Knockout Presentations.

To work with me contact DiResta Communications, Inc.

Strategic Silence: The Art of Pauses in Persuasive Communication

Are you a strategic speaker? Talking too fast? Push the pause button. Persuasive public speakers know the key to influence is in the silence.

In a fast-paced world, where every second counts, it may seem counterintuitive to promote pauses. However, when pauses are used strategically they  can be a powerful tool to increase clarity, impact, and influence in the spoken word. Whether you're leading a meeting, giving a keynote speech or having a conversation, mastering strategic pauses can elevate your communication skills to new heights. Why are pauses so important?

The Importance of Strategic Pauses

When communicating, pausing punctuates a message to convey meaning and add impact. Pausing gives the audience time to receive and understand the message. The brain needs processing time and pausing gives the audience a break between thoughts.

Maximizing Clarity and Comprehension

 Pauses can also indicate transitions between ideas, allowing listeners to follow  the speaker's train of thought more easily. This signals to the audience that there is a new thought or topic about to be discussed.

Elevating Engagement and Connection

Strategic pauses play an important role in fostering engagement and connection with the audience. When used strategically pauses command attention, create anticipation, and build suspense, keeping listeners actively engaged throughout the communication process. Pauses can prompt questions from the listeners and establish a stronger connection with the audience. 

Increasing Persuasion and Influence

 Strategic pauses can be a powerful tool for changing attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.
They can also underscore important arguments, highlight evidence, and enable listeners to feel emotions. By using strategic pauses, the speaker can create tension or suspense which will keep the audience on the edge of their seats. By using strategic pauses presenters can be more successful in persuading, shaping opinions, and driving action.

Mastering Strategic Pauses

To leverage the power of strategic pauses effectively, communicators must develop awareness, intentionality, and subtlety in their delivery. Here are some tips to consider:

1.     Engage in  Active Listening: Listen to a recording of your voice and look for places to insert strategic pauses for emphasis, clarity, or drama.

2.    Pause Intentionally: Introduce pauses at key points in your speech    to signal important messages segues, or changes in tone.

3.     Welcome Silence:  Most people are afraid of silence. Practice pausing longer than necessary to become accustomed to silence. Mark up your speech to visually anticipate the pauses. Pause one beat for a comma, two beats for a period and three beats to signal the end of a paragraph. Pausing will breathe life into your message.

4.     Read the Room: Be flexible with the use of pauses based on the content, audience, and purpose of your communication. Pausing too long could frustrate your audience.

5.     Solicit Feedback: Ask for feedback from colleagues, mentors and coaches to fine tune your use of strategic pauses and elevate your impact.

Conclusion

Strategic pauses are a powerful and underutilized speaking skill. Stop playing it safe in front of the room. Invite the audience on your speaking journey by inserting pauses into your presentation. The pay-off is greater clarity, engagement, persuasion, connection, and impact with your audience.  

In the words of Mark Twain, “The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”

To learn how to Speak Confidently and Effectively check out my LinkedIn learning course. It ranked in the Top 20 Most Popular courses for 2 years.

To learn techniques to overcome fear of speaking, read Chapter 3 of Knockout Presentations.

To work with me contact DiResta Communications, Inc.

What a Postal Worker Taught Us About Leadership Communication

Today was sunny and warm for November, so I decided to start my day a little later than usual. I drove to the post office to buy stamps. There were already people waiting and I was third in line.  The doors opened at 8:30 a.m. Once inside, a postal worker appeared and instead of getting behind the window she made a beeline for the back office. All the windows were devoid of workers. Customers were lined up with nobody to serve them.

The postal worker didn’t say anything. She just left. We expected she’d be right back. After 15 to 20 minutes of waiting, I considered leaving. I asked the people in line, “Doesn’t the post office open at 8:30?” A man confirmed the time and said that the woman left and never returned to the window. At that point I left the line and started knocking on the window. Nothing happened. Then I went to the back door and started knocking. Nobody responded. When I walked back to the line the postal worker was behind the window talking to the first customer.

Then it was my turn to approach the window. As she was taking my order she said softly, “Sorry for the delay.” She offered no explanation. When she finished the transaction, she said “Sorry for the delay.” I didn’t respond.

I didn’t appreciate someone wasting my time. Had she offered an explanation, I could have mustered up some empathy. When I told my husband the story, he said, “It sounds like another incompetent worker.” I knew that wasn’t true. This woman had served me in the past and she was effective at her job. Maybe the reason she didn’t offer an explanation for her long delay was because the boss told her not to say anything. Who knows?

Lateness is never a sign of good service and it’s inevitable that there’ll be delays especially during the holidays. But when the service provider doesn’t communicate with customers they create their own stories and the customers feel frustrated, angry and disrespected.

What if she announced that she had to go to the back office and would be with us in a few minutes? At least we would know what to expect and wouldn’t feel dismissed . What if she had offered an explanation such as, “Sorry for the delay. We’re short staffed.” Most customers are tolerant when they have a reason for the lateness. When a worker or a leader doesn’t acknowledge the presence of customers or employees, it signals disrespect. The people feel invisible and unimportant.

What is the leadership communication lesson we can learn from this postal worker?

·        Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

·        Let people know what to expect.

·        When things don’t work out, give them a reason.

These principles will build trust and respect and can prevent conflicts from escalating.

How do you handle delays? How do you manage people’s expectations?

Press Release: Diane DiResta to Speak at Financial Executives International

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

New York, NY. October 11, 2018

Diane DiResta, CSP, author of Knockout Presentations, and Founder and CEO of DiResta Communications, a New York City consultancy, will be the featured speaker at FEINYC, Financial Executives International in New York City.

As a professional speaker and executive speech coach Ms.DiResta will speak about Influential Leadership: How to Communicate with Impact and Influence.

Today’s CFOs and Financial Executives must be able to command attention, influence analysts and stakeholders, and deliver a message with lasting impact.
 
In this interactive program attendees will learn communication skills of top leaders and how they:

• Create presence on the platform to command the room

• Get to the point to deliver a clear message

• Speak with confidence and exude authority

As in all her presentations, the audience will leave with practical takeaways that can be applied immediately to enhance leadership communication.

The evening will end with networking and a booksigning of the newly released 3rd edition of Knockout Presentations.

About Diane DiResta
Diane DiResta, CSP, is Founder and CEO of DiResta Communications, Inc., a New York City consultancy serving business leaders who deliver high stakes presentations— whether one-to-one, in front of a crowd or from an electronic platform. DiResta is the author of Knockout Presentations: How to Deliver Your Message with Power, Punch, and Pizzazz, an Amazon.com category best-seller and widely-used text in college business communication courses and author of the ebook, Give Fear the Finger. She has unique ability to get to the core of the message and translate complexity into simplicity.

Diane is Past President of the NYC chapter of National Speakers Association and former media trainer for the NBA and WNBA. Diane is a Certified Speaking Professional and licensed Speech Pathologist.

About FEI NYC

The Chapter is the premier organization for financial executives in New York City. The Chapter promotes the fellowship and interaction among its members and has active programs to enhance their professional knowledge and qualifications.

Since 1933, the FEI NYC Chapter has been successfully connecting Financial Professionals in the New York City metro area providing a truly unique forum to meet at live events (most of which carry CPE), attend general peer-to-peer networking events or webinars, gain access to the rest of the 10,000 FEI members, benefit from advocacy efforts, research, and career center.

FEI NYC strives to provide its Membership with unique opportunities to facilitate or cultivate the development and furthering of the Finance profession at many levels.

From robust programming and professional networking activities to our mentoring relationship with the students attending local colleges, nearly every FEI NYC activity will provide an opportunity for you, the Financial Professional, to either get what you need or share what you know. FEI NYC functions as a 501c(6).

15 Tips to Master Video Presentations

What do today's business presenters have in common with television anchors? They both have broadcasting skills. With youtube being the number two search engine and companies demanding online learning, public speaking has gone digital. According to Business Insider 2014, “About 50 million people in the U.S. now watch video on their mobile phone."  Public speakers who shun the camera will be left behind. The first step to being a master presenter is to understand the difference between in- person speaking versus video presentations. Here are a few tips for speaking in a digital media world:

1. A video recorded presentation is one way communication. That means you can’t read the audience and pivot in the moment to meet their needs. So it takes a lot of preparation to deliver a compelling message and provide value to your target audience.
2. In the case of teleconferencing, appoint a facilitator at each site to manage the technology and to facilitate the meeting. Be aware of delay time and plan for it by practicing longer pauses. Pause and silently count to four. That will allow enough time for the speaker to finish and for the listeners to hear the last word.
3. Know the time zone of your audience. It may be 8:00 a.m. in New York, but if it’s 2:00 p.m. in Amsterdam you don’t want to start the meeting with “Good morning”.
4. Display a visual agenda. People need a roadmap and it will keep the meeting or presentation focused.
5. Have a back-up plan. Be able to continue by telephone if the video fails. It’s a good idea to do a test drive of the technology 15 minutes before the presentation. As a hedge, send the PowerPoint deck in advance.
6. Make love to the lens. People don’t know where to look when speaking on skype. When you look directly at the caller, they see you looking down and you lose that eye connection. Try this instead: When speaking to them, look directly at the webcam. When you are listening, look at the caller.It’s uncomfortable speaking to a camera; yet that’s exactly what the presenter needs to do during webcasts and media interviews. In live presentations the presenter feeds off the audience reaction. With video, the presenter imagines the lens is a person. It’s important to maintain a steady gaze. If your eyes are darting you’ll be perceived as nervous or untrustworthy. And practice smiling and talking. Broadcasters do this easily. A serious delivery will weaken the likability factor.
7. Video is an energy drain. There is an exchange of energy between a speaker and an audience. When that energy is strong, it’s palpable. That’s not the case with video. As a result, you won’t convey energy the way you do in a live performance. For that reason, you need to pump up your performance on video. In a video the presenter can easily come across as flat. Push your energy higher than normal to have the same intensity level when you’re live and in person.
8. Minimize gestures. Wide, sweeping hand movements are distracting on video. Use fewer and smaller gestures. If seated, sit with both feet on the floor and lean forward at a 15 degree angle. Place both hands on the table. This is a confident speaking and listening position. You’ll be perceived as confident and it will stabilize you. Avoid excessive head nodding and jerky movements.
9. You are always on stage. If someone else is speaking, chances are you are still in view. Be careful about sloppy behaviors such as slouching, looking at your phone, side talking or looking bored. The presentation isn’t over until the camera is off.
10. You’ll look heavier on video. Video is two dimensional which flattens the presenter. I once was videotaping a client for a presentation. It was amazing that when I looked at her directly she appeared slim. When I looked through the camera lens she looked heavier.To manage the widening effect, dress for the camera.Remember that light colors enhance and dark colors diminish. A client of mine was unhappy with her video because she thought she looked heavy. She was wearing a boxy white jacket which gave her a wide appearance. We did a make-over. This time she wore a tapered navy blue jacket which had a slimming effect.Another way to look thinner on video is to stand at a ¾ angle with your hips back. If you’re in a close-up, drop your forehead slightly to avoid a double chin.
11. Wear the right colors. White and black are not good colors for video. White creates glare. It’s better to wear off-white or pearl grey. Icy pastel colors look washed out on camera and are not a good choice. Red can bleed or look muddy. A better choice is burgundy. Avoid stripes and large bold patterns. You’ll look like a TV test pattern. When in doubt, blue is a good choice for video. It films well and psychologically blue means trustworthy, conservative, stable.
12. Lighting is key. While lighting is important in a live performance, harsh lighting won’t be as damaging. On video, fluorescent lightening will highlight lines and shadows in the face and can also hurt the eyes. Use soft lighting that flatters your face.
13. Choose the backdrop carefully. When doing a video presentation always ask about the backdrop. If you’re filming from home, make sure you don’t have messy papers stacked up behind you. If you’re filming off-site, choose clothing that will work with the backdrop. Early in my career I was being filmed for a speaker showcase.  I asked the producer if my fuchsia suit would televise well. He said yes. Unfortunately. I asked the wrong question. I should have asked “What color is the backdrop?” When I arrived I found myself in front of an orange curtain. The fuchsia suit bled into the orange and looked terrible on film. This wouldn’t have been an issue in a live presentation.
14. You cannot be boring. Engagement is crucial.You have 5-10 seconds to grab attention in a video presentation. The key to success in video presentations is good storytelling and a highly targeted audience who will appreciate the value. Being boring is deadly in any venue. A live audience will show more tolerance by listening longer. If your video presentation is boring the viewer will click off instantly. A video presentation needs to have greater engagement. A measure of engagement, is how many people watch the entire video. According to Industry standards, a 15-20% complete viewing of a 2 minute video is considered a good engagement rate. That means most viewers are not watching the complete video.
15. The day of the talking head is over.To increase engagement, keep a fast pace. You need to keep the video moving. Add slides and images while you are speaking. Fly in bullet points as you speak. Keep the presentation brief. If it’s a formal speech aim for no more than 18-20 minutes. Sales presentations need to be crisp, engaging, fast moving, and brief.In my own experiment, I noticed that every time I reached for the fast forward knob, the picture would change. This happened continually as if the videographer was reading my mind. Intrigued, I started to look at the time. The frames were changing every four seconds-the same time I wanted to fast forward.

If you’re not producing video presentations you’re leaving money on the table. Your digital footprint is now an important part of your personal brand. Interviewers are asking for videos. LinkedIn now allows videos to be added to profiles. Video is the ultimate selling tool. It addresses the know, like, trust factor.

Video is not going away. To be current, you need to master video presentations.

How to Give a Eulogy When You're Not a Public Speaker

What do you do when a loved one dies and you're the person to give the eulogy? Last weekend I attended the memorial service of my friend, Linda who lost her battle to lung cancer at the age of 63. Memorial services are usually bittersweet. The service was beautifully inspiring and sad at the same time. The tributes from her sorority sisters gave an insight into her personality and the reader of her legacy left a powerful impression of Linda's contribution of the world. The soloist sang Linda's favorite song with feeling and his voice filled up the room with love.

The preacher read a passage from the Bible and eloquently spoke about Job, He told us that we had not lost anything. That Linda had been given to us as a gift and we shared that gift for 63 years. His sermon and his delivery were inspiring, uplifting, and impassioned.

While the preacher was a trained public speaker, the day may come when you are tapped to give the eulogy. You don't have to be experienced in public speaking to be effective. Here are six tips to remember when memorializing a loved one's life:

Develop a Time Line. If you don;t know where to begin, draw a horizontal line on your paper and mark down significant events or memories. It can be in 5 or 10 year intervals or any time frame that works.

Discover a Theme. Once you look at the timeline, you may see trends or stories that can be folded into a them. Ex. You always did it your way. You always went the extra mile.

Sequence your Ideas.Next, organize the most important and meaningful events and stories in a sequence that flows and is easy to follow. Don't give a biography of the person's entire life. Keep it brief.

Keep it Positive. Don't dwell on the failings or negative times unless it culminates in a story of the hero's journey. Interjecting humor can help lighten the atmosphere.Talk about the deceased in a positive light but do be genuine. What contributions did the departed make? How did the loved one make people feel? How would that person want to be remembered?

Speak from the Heart. It's fine to use a script or notes, however; tell stories. Don't sound like you're reading a text. If you knew the person, share your experience. Relive the moments and events and give people a sense of the person. And it's okay to cry. Have people nearby and take a minute to compose yourself and continue. The audience will understand.

Bury your Fear. Put your focus on telling the person's story and not on your nervousness.Jerry Seinfeld said it best when he quipped, "Most people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy." Remember it's not about you.It's about them.